What’s Underneath the Behaviour? Why Reflection Comes Before Change

Today I attended Made You Look: At Your Money at Raye Haus, and I went into the day expecting to think about money, business, visibility, growth and where I want The Educators Well to go. I absolutely did all of those things, but I came away thinking about something much bigger: patterns.

Patterns in the way we work, the way we make decisions, the way we handle money, the way we respond to pressure, the way we show up for other people and the expectations we place on ourselves. Most importantly, I found myself thinking about all the things happening underneath those patterns that other people never see.

It connected so strongly with something I have been thinking about within The WELL Framework and why Wellbeing First has always needed to be the first pillar.

Looking five years ahead

One of the exercises today asked us to think about where we want to be five years from now. For me, the answer is big. I would love to see The WELL Retreat under construction, The WELL Framework being implemented nationally, and a minimum of 500 Ripple Leaders working throughout services and communities across Australia.

I can see that vision so clearly, and I am not afraid of the fact that it is big. But another part of today’s conversation asked a different question: What lifestyle do you actually want?

That changes things.

Because one of the messages that really stayed with me today was that business success does not automatically equal personal wealth. I think we can take that even further, because business success certainly doesn’t automatically equal personal wellbeing either. You can build something successful, profitable and impressive while simultaneously creating a life that you don’t actually want to live.

For me, that matters enormously. I don’t just want The Educators Well to become successful. I want to build it in a way that allows me to have a life alongside it.

What we see is only the tip of the iceberg

One of the concepts we explored today was the idea of an iceberg. Above the water is the behaviour, the part everyone can see, but underneath that behaviour are our beliefs, experiences, stories and patterns.

In the context of money, that might mean exploring our own money story. What did I learn about money growing up? What does having money mean to me? Does it represent security, freedom, success or something else entirely? Do I struggle to charge appropriately for my work? Do I avoid looking at my finances when I feel anxious about them? Do I believe that earning more must mean working more? What happens when money does come in?

The numbers can tell us what is happening, but they don’t necessarily tell us why.

As I sat there listening to this conversation about money, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much the same concept applies to wellbeing.

We often focus on changing the behaviour we can see without ever asking what is sitting underneath it.

An educator might say yes to another responsibility when they are already overwhelmed. The behaviour is saying yes, but underneath it might be a belief that they cannot let people down. Someone might continue working long after they are exhausted because somewhere along the way they learned that being capable means pushing through. Another person might constantly step in to solve everyone else’s problems because being needed has become connected to their sense of value.

If we only try to change the behaviour above the water, the pattern underneath can remain exactly where it is.

This is why Wellbeing First comes first

The first pillar of The WELL Framework is W – Wellbeing First: Caring for me is caring for them.

I’ve been reflecting more deeply on why it needs to come first, and I think the answer is that before we can sustainably change anything, we need to understand the person we are trying to support. When it comes to our own wellbeing, that person is us.

That means reflection needs to go much deeper than simply asking, “How am I feeling today?” We need opportunities to get to know ourselves. What matters to me? What patterns do I repeat? What situations bring out the best in me? What drains me? What happens when I am under pressure? What do I naturally take responsibility for? What do I find difficult to let go of? What do I need to feel safe, supported and capable?

And perhaps one of the most important questions is: When do my greatest strengths begin working against me?

Someone who is incredibly caring may continually put themselves last. Someone who is highly dependable can become the person everyone relies on. Someone with high standards can find it impossible to feel that their work is finished. Someone who is empathetic can absorb the emotions of everyone around them. Someone who is passionate can keep pushing long after their body and mind are asking them to stop.

None of those strengths needs to disappear. But they may need protection around them.

We cannot put those protections in place until we recognise the pattern.

Reflection tools don’t need to define us

There are so many different tools available that can give us another lens through which to understand ourselves. DISC profiling, Personality Plus, strengths assessments, values exercises, wellbeing wheels, journalling, reflective conversations and even traditional systems such as BaZi can all prompt us to think about ourselves differently.